Find Our Way Back
by fangirlafxx
Summary: "They were always so careful with one another. So afraid to ruin each other. And sometimes that got them is heaps trouble. Though this time, they had no clue just how much."


There's a sense of darkness in the air. One that Jay hasn't felt in a while, one he never thought he'd ever feel again. It's been about three weeks since Mouse was deployed and it hasn't gotten any easier. He's tried distracting himself with just about anything he can think of. But he can feel himself slipping back into that horrifying state of black. He spends most nights in the bathroom sobbing on the floor, praying that she can't hear him. He doesn't want her to see this side of him. To see him break down or even know that he's feeling this way. She's got her own demons to deal with, she certainly doesn't need his piled on top. She's always so tough, but underneath it all he knows she's struggling. He doesn't want to add to that. Because Erin deserves the world, and he will not help give her any less.

Jay knows that Erin is home because he can hear the door rattling and the sound of musical toys filling the apartment. He can hear faint words being spoken by Erin, most likely to a half sleeping child. He hears the door across the hall open. A few minutes go by and it closes again. He stops what he's doing to take a few breaths because he knows what he's about to do isn't going to be easy for either of them.

"Hey babe." She says. Her voice is so sing song like and her eyes give out this... glow. "I thought you were having drinks with the guys tonight?" She questions, folding the fuzzy pink blanket she had in her hands and placing it on top of the dresser by the door. After a long week of chasing bad guys and kicking down doors, a relaxing night was definitely needed. So every Friday Jay would leave work with the guys and head to Mollys. They'd have a couple drinks, talk, do some "guy bonding" and after a few hours Jay would meet Erin at their apartment and they'd spend the rest of the night together. When Mouse first left, Jay let himself live in denial. He figured if he didn't let himself feel anything that it wouldn't make it true. So the last couple weeks he'd supressed the constant demonizing ring in his head and pretended to have a good time. But after a few too many breakdowns, he realized his problems were far too progressive to be cured with a few beers and boring small talk.

Erin occupies herself with removing her shoes and placing them on the floor beside their bed. When she catches wind of the bag sitting by Jays feet, the change in her eyes is almost instant. God, she's already making this so hard Jay thought as he watched her face dim. And in that moment he realizes that he's never hated himself as much as he does right now.

"Jay? What's going on? What is that?"

Jay takes a few steps towards her to close to gap between them. The smell of her whisks through his nostrils like there's no tomorrow. His eyes close for just a moment and he takes a deep breath. For a split second he thinks that maybe he's just being too hard headed for his own good. But looking at her, he knows that's too good to be true. Erin doesn't need him here complicating things. She doesn't need to be burdened with his battles. She doesn't need the stress, and him being here is exactly that. He knows that she's seen a change in him since Mouse, and he can't bare to even think about her getting a taste of the darkness that's yet to come.

"I um, think I'm gonna go stay somewhere else for a while."

The blank expression accompaning Erin's face does more damage to Jays heart than he ever thought was possible. For the first time in his life, he has not a clue what the girl standing before him is thinking. A part of him doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to hear the crack in her voice when she speaks or see her bite back tears. He doesn't want to listen to the unsteadiness of her breath or look into her sad, hurt eyes. He doesn't want to face the reality of being the reason she looks so broke.

"Were you even going to tell me?"

What? Why would she even think he wasn't going to tell her? This was not the response he was expecting, and he surely didn't intend for her to find out like this. In fact, he was internally kicking himself for letting her find out like this. "Of course I was going to tell you, Erin."

"It doesn't look like it," She snaps, referencing his belongings on the floor behind him. She's not sure whether she has the urge to bust out in tears or complete laughter. Jay had been the one person in her life that had never hurt her; the one person she truly trusted would never hurt her. But along with trust came heartbreak. At least in her life.

"I didn't plan on you walking into the bedroom while I was packing. I'm sorry."

Ha, she scuffs. "So what? You were hoping to be long gone when I got home?"

"No, that's... that's not what I meant." Jay quickly defended. kicking himself yet again. This time even harder.

"If that's not what you meant then you have a funny way of showing it." She throws him a death glare. Jay steps closer, but as if on cue a shrill cry comes from across the hall. Saved by the kid. For now. Erin cleared her throat. "Excuse me, I have to go take care of _my_ daughter."

Jay watches Erin disappear out of their bedroom. Though he knew her words were out of anger, they still put the biggest hole in his heart. He gives her a few minutes before following. Maybe if she cooled down a bit he'd have a chance to explain. Not that he even knows what to say. "Hey honey I'm in a deep depression, having war flashbacks and I don't want you guys to get hurt because of it" doesn't exactly fit into a conversation very well.

Jay finds Erin in the kitchen. The baby in one arm being gently rocked and a bottle in the other being shaken. Erin's voice is calm and soothing, a complete 360 of what it was a minute ago. He's seen it all before, but each time it amazes him. She's so good with her - with all kids, actually. That parental instinct has always been there and it's done nothing but grow stronger each day. Jay on the other hand, could use some work.

Erin knew Jay was in the room. She could feel his eyes on her, but couldn't let herself care. She dabbed the nipple of the bottle onto her hand to check the temperature of the formula. When she felt it was cool enough, she carefully slid the bottle into the baby's mouth and waited as she recognized the feel. When the baby latched she placed a kiss on her forehead and whispered an I love you into her ear. She then walked directly passed Jay, ignoring the "Erin" she heard fall from his lips.

An hour later, Erin rounded the corner and joined Jay in the living room. He'd been finished gathering his things for a while, but he refused to leave without giving Erin some kind of closure. And though he could feel the tension continuing to rise in his body, he made himself as comfortable as possible and he waited.

Erin shot Jay an annoyed glance. She'd expected him to be gone when she was done. More so hoped he would be. "Why are you still here?"

"I think we should talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, Jay. You're leaving. You've made that pretty clear." Erin moved her eyes from Jay to the door, silently signaling that he could leave now. That she wanted him to. She couldn't stare into those deep blue ocean eyes any longer and pretend like she wasn't completely heart broken and confused. She didn't want to listen to his reasoning, or better yet, his excuses. He was doing exactly what he said he'd never do - just like everyone else. That's all her heart needed to know.

Jay followed Erin down the hall and into the bedroom. He watched her dig through her drawers for some pajamas, still completely ignoring his presence. That's one of her emotional tactics - kinda like an if you ignore it it'll go away type scenario. But when it came to Jay, more times than not it failed. "Erin come on, just listen to me. Please?"

Erin slid into her night time clothes and crossed her arms. She was in no way ready to listen to anything Jay had to say. Running away from her problems had always been the easier route before, why on earth did she have to start facing them now? "You have two minutes."

"I don't want to leave, okay? You have to know that."

Erin huffed a loud breath, exaggerating her frustration. "If you didn't want to leave you wouldn't be."

"I'm going through some things, Erin. Things that I don't know how to deal with, things that I have to figure out..."

Erin could sense the trueness of his words. She could hear the sadness and fear in them. She unfolded her arms from her own chest, and without thinking placed them on Jays. "Jay, whatever it is I can handle it. We can handle it together."

"That's the thing... I'm not too sure about that. This is my fight, not yours. If I go down I don't want to drag you down with me. I love you girls far too much for that."

That sentence - that one tiny sentence is what set the tears she'd been holding back free. Yes, she knew how much he loved her and the baby. He showed her that everyday. But to hear him vocalize it in such an emotional and vulnerable state gave Erin chills. Erin let go of Jays chest and backed away slowly. Jays heart split seeing the obvious pain in her face and the tears trickling down her cheeks. Erin stared at him with those sad but completely understanding eyes. As much as it hurt, she was in no position to judge Jay for taking a step back. She'd done it a dozen times and he'd supported her each time. They were always so careful with one another. So afraid to ruin each other. And sometimes that got them is heaps trouble. Though this time, they had no clue just how much.

Jay kissed Erin on the forehead and broke the silence that had settled in, "I love you."

And that was it. She watched him fling his bag over his shoulders. She watched him gaze the room with his eyes to figure out if he had everything he'd need. But she didn't watch him leave. She turned away so quickly that she hadn't even noticed Jay grab the pink blanket off the dresser. The same pink blanket she'd folded an hour before. The same pink blanket that read "Sarah" on the previously sucked and gnawed on corner. And the same pink blanket that had kept their baby girl warm the very first day they'd gotten to bring her home. It'd kept her feeling safe and secure. With the soft feel, beautiful memories and scent of both his girls, Jay hoped and prayed it'd do the same for him.


End file.
